Leprechauns

Leprechauns

We all know about Leprechauns those adorable little  irish fellows in green who guard the pots of gold at the end of rainbows , or are they?

I have no idea how this conversation started, I would like too it would help explain a lot. Enjoy!



Mum: Katie Leprechauns are evil bastards and god they can drink You should never try to drink a Leprechaun under a table. You'd think with their diminutive size they'd get pissed easily, but you are so wrong!

Me: Are you sure you didn't just see the Leprechauns after you had drunk yourself under the table?

Mum: It was telling me to drink,why else would I get drunk. They are randy bastards as well. You have to be careful. You look away and the next second they are humping your leg like a dog. Pot of gold my ass.

Me: Why am I not fucked up.

oops, Have A Theory!

I apologise, I have forgotten about the blog, (not that anyone seems to be reading it) Although I have decided since my mother doesn't stop saying weird shit I shall continue posting.

HAVE A THEORY!

Here is another theory, well not much a theory just a homicidal hedgehog.Yep you read right a Homicidal Hedgehog.


Everybody has been into a pet store,either to buy food or stare wantonly at puppies and kittens that are so cute you want to puke rainbows. Yes we've all done it.

Well in the pet store close to me, they sell hedgehogs, I frequent this store due to the fact my friend works there and usually allows me to play with the kittens, I WANT ONE!   Ahem sorry about that

One faithful boring day I entered this pet store with my mother and I was told about the hedgehogs. Naturally I needed to see it and awww at it. (We all do this) My mother said "Ohh is it spiky"

Then went to touch it, of course it reacted and my mother ran to the other side of the room. After we left I questioned her about it:


Me: You ran away from a hedgehog
Her: It had a Knife
Me: It was a Hedgehog
Her: It was going for my throat
Me: .....How?
Her: It was made from its spikes
Me: So it wasn't a knife it was some sort of Spike Shiv
Her: It was a knife
Me:.....

You heard it here folks, Hedgehogs carry knives and are not afraid to use them! Those Prickly Bastards!




Now for the word of the week -drum roll- lapidarist,
A lapidarist is a expert in gemstones and cutting them. Your challenge is a sentence, the best sentence including the word lapidarist will win comment your sentences below!

Why You Never Talk To Vegetables

Hello All, In all likelihood you will be rubbing your eyes in disbelief and re-reading the title of this post. (At least I hope you are) but do not fear, your eyes are not playing tricks on you, "Why You Never Talk To Vegetables" is the title of today's post, and all shall be revealed in only a few moments.

First to some other business. Starting Sunday there will be a Mothers Word of the Week, each week a different word and a different challenge. Dun Dunn DUNNN! Although I have now decided you have waited long enough, so lets lose your common sense and don the cloak of insanity for its now -drumroll- time for the Vegetable.

This conversation started when my mother and I were sat watching the fourth installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. Although im not entirely sure how it happened. 

Her:
As you all know Carrots are not good conversation, no, they are in fact the tango tribe  of the vegetable world, they are social climbers, arrogant, self absorbed and suffer from terrible cucumber envy. 
Me: Cucumber envy? 

Her:
See we are not supposed to talk about cucumbers in polite society, not at all, they are the porn stars of vegetables, always spouting innuendo and can swell to incredible sizes, hence why the carrots are envious.

Whilst on the subject of bad conversationalists I must add Cabbages, this buggers will start talking in random strings of French at any moment and will continue this for hours -groan- Now Leaks are great conversation although they do have an incredibly bad Welsh accent, so they are impossible to understand.

Now I bet you are all wondering about the potato, Potato's are the hermits of the group, your rarely see them and they refuse to talk to anybody. Sad Really.

I have now covered all the Vegetables Mother covered. So I hope I have put you off vegetables for life, I know I'll never be able to look at a cucumber in the same way again.
Addio

SQUIRRELS!!!!!

Welcome!

 

 Many believe that it is their parents who are the weirdest, that they belong in some sort of institute for the insane and mentally ill. I make no claims like that towards my own mother (Although there are times I wonder)

 I have decided after spending many years listening to the weird and sometimes inappropriate comments from my mother, to release them into the world. So that is what I'm doing. Note this is not for the faint hearted and children may want to leave the room.

 

Are we sitting comfortably? Let’s begin.....

 

I think I shall start with one of my personally favourites. Squirrels. That right I said Squirrels those cute, bushy tailed wide eye tree dwellers.

They couldn't possibly have an ulterior motive, could they?.

There are three types of Squirrels. The American Grey, The English Red and The Black Squirrel.

 

See The American Grey Squirrel have decided they are no longer content with their own country, they want the world, Reason Why: They're American.

Now to the Brave Noble English Red Squirrel, these are reincarnated shaolin monks sent to prevent the Grey Squirrels from succeeding in their dastardly plans of WORLD DOMINATION! (Insert Evil Laugh) The Grey Squirrels have in the previous year’s been able to triumph against the Red Squirrels, (Boooooo!) but this time they have encountered more than a little resistance (Yaaaaaay)

So now they have hired The Black Squirrel, who are mercenaries and ninjas to kill the Red Squirrels, Of course they are no match for the Reincarnated shaolin monks.

 

The Battle for the world continues still, so next time you see a squirrel, remember this story,