Why You Never Talk To Vegetables

Hello All, In all likelihood you will be rubbing your eyes in disbelief and re-reading the title of this post. (At least I hope you are) but do not fear, your eyes are not playing tricks on you, "Why You Never Talk To Vegetables" is the title of today's post, and all shall be revealed in only a few moments.

First to some other business. Starting Sunday there will be a Mothers Word of the Week, each week a different word and a different challenge. Dun Dunn DUNNN! Although I have now decided you have waited long enough, so lets lose your common sense and don the cloak of insanity for its now -drumroll- time for the Vegetable.

This conversation started when my mother and I were sat watching the fourth installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. Although im not entirely sure how it happened. 

Her:
As you all know Carrots are not good conversation, no, they are in fact the tango tribe  of the vegetable world, they are social climbers, arrogant, self absorbed and suffer from terrible cucumber envy. 
Me: Cucumber envy? 

Her:
See we are not supposed to talk about cucumbers in polite society, not at all, they are the porn stars of vegetables, always spouting innuendo and can swell to incredible sizes, hence why the carrots are envious.

Whilst on the subject of bad conversationalists I must add Cabbages, this buggers will start talking in random strings of French at any moment and will continue this for hours -groan- Now Leaks are great conversation although they do have an incredibly bad Welsh accent, so they are impossible to understand.

Now I bet you are all wondering about the potato, Potato's are the hermits of the group, your rarely see them and they refuse to talk to anybody. Sad Really.

I have now covered all the Vegetables Mother covered. So I hope I have put you off vegetables for life, I know I'll never be able to look at a cucumber in the same way again.
Addio

SQUIRRELS!!!!!

Welcome!

 

 Many believe that it is their parents who are the weirdest, that they belong in some sort of institute for the insane and mentally ill. I make no claims like that towards my own mother (Although there are times I wonder)

 I have decided after spending many years listening to the weird and sometimes inappropriate comments from my mother, to release them into the world. So that is what I'm doing. Note this is not for the faint hearted and children may want to leave the room.

 

Are we sitting comfortably? Let’s begin.....

 

I think I shall start with one of my personally favourites. Squirrels. That right I said Squirrels those cute, bushy tailed wide eye tree dwellers.

They couldn't possibly have an ulterior motive, could they?.

There are three types of Squirrels. The American Grey, The English Red and The Black Squirrel.

 

See The American Grey Squirrel have decided they are no longer content with their own country, they want the world, Reason Why: They're American.

Now to the Brave Noble English Red Squirrel, these are reincarnated shaolin monks sent to prevent the Grey Squirrels from succeeding in their dastardly plans of WORLD DOMINATION! (Insert Evil Laugh) The Grey Squirrels have in the previous year’s been able to triumph against the Red Squirrels, (Boooooo!) but this time they have encountered more than a little resistance (Yaaaaaay)

So now they have hired The Black Squirrel, who are mercenaries and ninjas to kill the Red Squirrels, Of course they are no match for the Reincarnated shaolin monks.

 

The Battle for the world continues still, so next time you see a squirrel, remember this story,